Solution Proposal Peer Review Belinda Corniea

Where should I add more information?
Belinda, I wrote in your solution paper I really think you can expand on paragraph #3 because you have so much information in that paragraph alone. Between the sources I would write thoughts about what you just said. I think there is so much information there that it can be broken into more paragraphs. I would also expand on the conclusion to end with a strong point. Remind them of solutions you propesed earlier and you will definitely meet your word count. RT

Autumn: I agree, you have a large list of things you could definitely expand on instead of JUST listing them.
Am I missing anything?
If you are looking for more words I would add another paragraph of sodas and how popular it is around the world. In a lot of sodas there is a chemical called Brominated vegtable oil (BVO) which is linked to horrible side affects. I think this could be used in your paper because caffeinated pops will have BVO as a listed ingredient. It is worth looking into if you need more words. RT

Autumn: I know studies are great and very helpful in supportive evidence, but when you do add more, I'd try to stay away from more studies and go with just solid facts because you do already have so many studies with support. Otherwise it looks good and you have plenty of information to back up your claim!

  1. Consider outside sources. Do they help support the writer's claims? Do the sources of support take over any portions of the writing and overwhelm the writer's voice?

I love your outside sources. You have a great use of numbers and statistics that really make your paper more believable. I only think in paragraph 3 you don't have enough of your words in that. RT

Autumn: Like I said, you have many studies that are great supporting evidence, so those are awesome, especially the most recent studies.

  1. Did the proposal anticipate and respond to all valid arguments (opposing viewpoints)? What additional counterarguments and/or concessions would be helpful?

You did have opposing viewpoints and information to back there side up as well. I think you had just the right amount of counter arguments and I don't think you need top add anymore. RT

Autumn: You had good opposing viewpoints, the statistics made them strong and believable and it really made me want to listen and see what else you had to say.

  1. Is the organization of the writing easy to follow?

Yes, but work on the use of different words so its not so repetitive. It will be a smoother read for your audience. RT

  1. What questions are raised in your mind after reading this proposal? Is anything missing?

I cant think of anything missing. RT

Autumn: The organization is easy to follow, I like that you made your points about the reasons for not using caffeinated beverages and stated them firmly before addressing the issue in solution format. You then came back and related your solution to why it will help fix the problem and inform people.

  1. What were the most memorable pieces of text?

Statistics. and the fact that it is a drug. RT

Autumn: All the studies. Also the fact that decaf coffee is still bad for you, I didn't know that!

  1. What is the writing's greatest weakness?

Don't be afraid to use your own words RT

Autumn: I agree with Rebecca! You have strong supportive evidence but some spots sound quite recited from a paper possibly already written. Maybe just try going back through and rereading and think if it's something that you would say when talking to a friend about the issue, if not, try putting it more into your own words!

  1. What is the essay's greatest strength?

The information you have gathered RT

Autumn: You have great support and statistics! It looks great!

Extra notes by Rebecca Tuttle
Belinda your topic is great. It's nice that there is a lot of information out there for you to use and I feel there is so much you can add to really tie your paper. I made some suggestions in the paper itself so look at that. Again these are only suggestions you do not have to use them. Your counter arguments were fantastic. ! Good job!

# Does it help you re-vision your proposal? I thought peer review was very helpful but it didn't make me 're-vision' my proposal.
# If so, how? If not, why not? Rebecca and Autumn had a lot of good suggestions that I could do to make my paper strong but their comments and suggestions didn't make me re-think about my proposal. From what I got out of their comments is that I have a good proposal and strong examples to back me up.
# Did you incorporate any of these comments into your revision of your draft? I am going to incorporate the comments and suggestions that Rebecca and Autumn had for me. What they said, I think, could make my paper strong and better.

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