Where can I expand on information?
Sean: I think there is a lack of sources used inside your text. Maybe expand more by increasing supporting knowledge with some sources.
Alex G: I believe you have tons of sources, but I think it would be beneficial to narrow in on details in those sources instead of having many generic facts. Example: there are over x-million kids that are obese due to commercial advertising. (Note this is a small issue that can be easily fixed)
Consider outside sources. Do they help support the writer's claims?
Sean: There are parts in the paper in which the sources do strongly support what you say, especially at the beginning. However, I think you need to add more throughout your paper and into the actual solution portion. If done, you could add a good chunk to your total word count.
Alex G:There are ample sources supporting her claims in every way imaginable. Plenty of quotes
Do the sources of support take over any portions of the writing and overwhelm the writer's voice?
Sean: The beginning is at just the right balance in my opinion. If you could implement that strategy into your solution portion, I think you will have no problem writing a successful paper.
Alex G: I think Sean has the right idea, the intro was great on balance, but the more i went in i saw that it was mostly your sources speaking. You should add your own voice in more.
Did the proposal anticipate and respond to all valid arguments (opposing viewpoints)?
Sean: Try and have a few paragraphs focusing on other viewpoints on what could be done instead. Respond to these arguments and say why yours is better. This will strengthen your paper as well as make it longer which it is currently lacking.
Alex G: I believe that you were missing information on a lot of counter argument as to why your solution is the best, this can also be applied to the cause. Try examples like obesity can't be solved by replacing school lunches alone, my solution impacts the problem better.
What additional counterarguments and/or concessions would be helpful?
Sean: One counter argument you can focus on more is just people exercising more often. You could go onto talk about how you stated a cause was a fast paced life style. Another counter argument you could consider is a change in what can and can not be put in foods. With this you can go on to talk about the amount of government work it would require to have something like that done, and that companies could just find their way around it.
Alex G: For countering against cause you can talk about how school lunches aren't the main source of obesity, but the companies that make and advertise those foods are.
Is the organization of the writing easy to follow?
Sean: Yes, I felt your organization is very good, just make sure when you add more stuff that you do not put in in funky and mess things up.
Alex G: It had a great flow and got the message really easily.
What questions are raised in your mind after reading this proposal?
Sean: What would it take, politically, to have such a mass change put in place? Would it even require government involvement or would companies just agree and comply with this new idea?
Alex G: How you would go about doing this in more detail, like what would the new law say? How would you enforce restaurants to portion their food?
Is anything missing?
Sean: Yes, add more opposing views. It will add to the overall strength of your paper, and if you pick these counter arguments apart, it will also make your argument stick out over the rest of them.
Alex G: Just like Sean said, more opposing view points.
What is the writing's greatest weakness?
Sean: Right now your greatest weakness is the lack of counter arguments. Like I have stated in previous questions, really work on adding at least two or three good paragraphs of counter arguments. It will add to the length, which you need, and it will strengthen your overall solution proposal.
Alex G: Your lacking different viewpoints for counterargument to support your claims, plus i would say you have to narrow in on details with your sources.
What is the essay's greatest strength?
Sean: The greatest strength is the support of content with visuals. It really gives the reader an image in their head of what you are trying to get across. However, do not add a ton more because then it can get to be too much in one area.
Alex G: Great flow with really good sources and quotes. Also had no grammar errors that i could find. Plus the image of your idea is painted in my head very well through words and pictures you used.
Does it help you re-vision your proposal? Yes it helped me revise my paper to extent. I knew I needed more detail with my counter arguments, I just didn't know how to go about adding them and with that this peer review was not very helpful. Also once I re-read my paper multiple times I noticed many word choice errors that luckily I caught.
If so, how? If not, why not? Stated above.
Did you incorporate any of these comments into your revision of your draft? Yes, I added more counter arguments and add detail around those arguments.